God and I aren’t chatting much right now. We’re just sitting together on deck of my cottage by the sea. Just God and me as evening twilight comes.
God and I aren’t chatting much right now. We’re just sitting together on deck of my cottage by the sea. Just God and me as evening twilight comes.
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I haven’t posted for a few days, but believe me, I’ve been praying. I like this idea of talking with God, which means that I have to listen and not do all the talking. I’m working on it . Being with God in this way is pretty easy when I’m walking on the beach, and that’s what I did today, my first day back at my cottage by the sea. I must admit that it’s a challenge to remember to give thanks and praise for this awesome opportunity here at the CBTS. I’m working on it, although my inclination is to move to quickly to pray for other people. For example, today, walking on the beach with God. I prayed for two friends who were having surgery: back surgery for one at 7 AM (good report), and foot surgery for another at 1PM (haven’t heard yet). I prayed for successful outcomes and that they and their loved ones would feel God’s presence surrounding them. This praying for others feels just right for me. Most people I know, including most of you reading this blog, are leading extremely active, busy and complex lives, whereas I am purposefully trying to live a life of silence, solitude and simplicity. I guess I could say that I am finding myself called to be busy in a very different way. Who is like you, O Lord, among the gods? Who is like you, majestic in holiness, awesome in splendor, doing wonders? Exodus 15.11 When this verse from Exodus 15 appeared in my daily readings this morning, I didn’t think of praise or the awesome things that God has done. No, what came to mind were the many people I know who, at this very moment, are grappling with extremely difficult personal situations. Oh, we know that we “should” start by praising and thanking God, but it sure is a stretch at times. How can we even think, “Thank you, God!” when our house may be foreclosed, when we have no break from caring for the multiple needs of our children, when our aging parents take all our time and energy, when…? It’s not simply that we have to deal with these situations, but that we don’t envision any good outcome or solution, any holiness, splendor or wonder. That’s despair!! But there’s got to be hope. Our Christian faith is all about hope, which we can find throughout scripture. However, if we only hold onto the hopeful, positive words, they begin to feel hollow in times of despair. Nor should we wallow in the laments or “sin-filled” stories. I feel most faithful when I read a variety—the good, bad, and hopeful; the Old and New Testament; the Torah, Prophets, Psalms, Gospels and Epistles. God in all God’s complexity. This morning I sat down for my meditation time and heard myself saying, “Well, God, I don’t feel very connected to you right now, but I figure you’re used to that. But I know you’re standing by, just waiting.” Wow, I thought, “Here I am chatting with God as if he were some very (human) good friend.” It made me grin because of all my blogs that address my BIG question about the omnipotence of God. And yet today, without analyzing, I began conversing with God. Well, if Jesus was fully human and fully divine, I see no reason not to consider God in that full array. If the Psalmists can talk comfortably and honestly with God, why can’t I? I have been feeling somewhat overwhelmed with sadness on this idyllic summer day. Within the span of four days I will have attended three funerals. I tend to categorize deaths in terms of good or bad, tragic or “normal”, and sometimes that helps me face the truth so I can understand and begin to move on. I’ve already done that with these deaths, but that’s not my focus right now. Rather, I’m thinking about the accumulation of sadness that comes with three deaths so close together, along with the fading away of my 101 year-old mother and my brother-in-law on hospice. That’s a great deal of heaviness: too much to hold at one time if anyone tries to do it alone. In fact, that’s just what I tried to do this morning. I can’t believe it, but at first I forgot God, and then I decided that God couldn’t do what I thought I needed. You see, when I am sad, my modus operandi is to pray for someone else, bypassing myself, my needs. I forget to pray for help, and today that’s what I needed, God’s help, God’s embrace. I’m about to go to the funeral of a man in his eighties; two days ago if was for a thirty-two year old man with downs syndrome; tomorrow for a women in her late forties who died suddenly of a brain tumor. The minute I asked God for love and support, something shifted inside me. I am still sad, but I feel I am walking on holy ground, along with everyone that I am praying for and praying with. We can’t do this alone, it is said. Those who wish even to focus on the problem of a Christian ethic are faced with an outrageous demand—from the outset they must give up, as inappropriate to this topic, the very two questions that led them to deal with the ethical problem: ‘How can I be good?’ and ‘How can I do something good?’ Instead they must ask the wholly other, completely different question: ‘What is the will of God?’ Deitrich Bonhoeffer I was jolted by these words of Bonhoeffer while reading, “Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy,” by Eric Metaxas, and they have continued to bounce around in my mind--one layer of meaning sparing against another. As a start, Bonhoeffer reminds me how essential and challenging it is to ask the right question. Case in point: “How can I be a good?” “How can I do something good?” are straight from the ego. I immediately respond, “Not to worry, I can figure out what a good person should do, and more specifically what I should do.” Then I notice that in my response I have grabbed the role of director from God. Next I notice that my answer includes that problematic word, ‘should’. Clearly I’m off track here. “No, no, no,” says Bonhoeffer, “God is the director. Try this one. ‘What does God want you to do?’” Immediately the question shifts from worldly ‘shoulds’ to God “shoulds’. I’m beginning to hear that I ‘should’ listen to God’s response. I have a log way to go on all of this, this listening to God, but I’m trying. I do it through all kinds of praying, such as talking with God, centering prayer, and reading scripture. I do it sitting, walking, and listening to music. I do it in solitude, with family and friends and at church. I’ll try anything that sounds like God’s will for me. Do you ever read something that just clicks with you and off you go, singing away? All at once you’ve got the tune. I’ve been feeling that way every since Robert J. Wicks gave me permission to talk with God. Actually, I’ve been walking and talking with God for years, so it was not so much permission as an affirmation that I’m on the right path, in the right recording studio. At the cottage I talk with God as I sit in the morning twilight and anticipate the sunrise. But for years I’ve been mainly talking with God while walking. When I invite God into the conversation we seem to enter an honest dialogue, and I begin to sense that truths that I can’t avoid. These talks with God are conversations, although I must admit that God is a mighty good listening. If anything, God is closer to being a mediator, certainly not a giver of laws. When I was a child I learned about the Ten Commandments in Sunday school. Now, as a adult, I’m talking with God about what they mean for me. |
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